Amelia is my fourth child. (Now I don't want to start a debate on at what time in pregnancy a baby actually becomes a baby, but to me with each pregnancy I was planning on becoming a mother. They were my babies.) When I was 20 I got pregnant. Definitely not planned, but after accepting the idea of becoming a mommy I became attached to that little monkey. Being that I was young and most of my friends didn't have kids I never knew anyone who had a problem maintaining their pregnancy. My mom had five kids no problem, so I could too right? I went in for my first appointment at three months and found out, while maintaining my excitement at seeing the first picture of my little surprise, that there wasn't a heartbeat. I had gone from one extreme in my life, I was young and still lived at home with my parents, to accepting the fact that I was going to be a mom (I was going to have a child!). In an instant it was taken from me. No one I knew understood what I went through simply because they had never gone though it. As the years passed I shut out that past experience from my current life. It was too painful and I didn't know how to deal with what happened. Most people probably thought I moved on quickly. I didn't talk about it and I covered up my emotion except when I was by myself. I kept my feelings secret, away from friends and away from family. A few times I was told "I was too young to experience motherhood" and "there would be time for other babies in my life" or "I could live my life how I wanted"or" God always has a plan". The words cut deep. I lost a child I would never meet and no one seemed to understand what it felt like. I held onto my secret pain for years, just taking in whatever anyone said if the topic came up. I pushed my feelings deep down and it worked........for awhile, but that secret pain I kept with myself through the years was that the devastation never left no matter how hard I tried to forget . After 8 years I got pregnant a second time, with my daughter, Sophia. The fear of what happened before came flooding back. I thought for sure I would lose her. Only when I held Sophia for the first time did the feelings of fear subside. I realized I could have a baby. Fast forward 1 1/2 years and we decided it would be a great time to add to our family. I got pregnant after trying for 6 months. Since I knew I could maintain a pregnancy it was a thrilling time. At almost 7 weeks I lost my baby. The second loss made everything come back in a way that is still hard for me to deal with. I had no control in the situation and I felt my child taken from me a second time. The emotional toll miscarriages have placed in my life scars deep. I debated whether or not I wanted to even try again. Five months later when I got pregnant with Amelia I was hesitant to feel anything for the first four months. If this pregnancy didn't work I wasn't going to try anymore. I have a friend who has had six miscarriages. I couldn't imagine experiencing the joy and devastating loss that a miscarriage brings six times. The feeling of wanting and trying for a baby, getting pregnant but then having it taken away takes such an emotional toll on a person and a family. This has been a hard post to write because it is so personal and some people that I've known for a long time might not know these things about me. I have had counseling to deal with some issues that have plagued me and have been able to see there are many women who experience this kind of loss in life.
My little girl, Amelia, will be here in 9 weeks and I cannot wait to see her little face. I have fallen in love with her before I've even met her. I cannot wait to give her as much love as I give my daughter, Sophia. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster of emotion for me. My fourth child will be my last. I will have two sweet girls I get to hold for the rest of my life and two sweet babies that I hold in my heart.